No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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