I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
