It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
