I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i love accidental penises.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
