Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
