How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
