I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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