In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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