just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
