My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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