Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
