my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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