So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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