I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
