i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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