There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
