If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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