Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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