he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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