guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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