no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
