come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
