what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
