FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
