I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
