I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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