So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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