I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
