He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
