Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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