If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
fuck your aforementioned shoe
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I need a burrito and a hug.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize