I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
