It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
