I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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