i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
