I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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