Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Gay?
German.
Pity.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
