i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
