Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
