I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
