I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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