alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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