i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
