phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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