You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
