I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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