cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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