dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
