Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
40s are totally the cure
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
