Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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