Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
