I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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