So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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