Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
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