I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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