Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
