in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
