Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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