she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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