i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
