I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.