my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?