finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.