$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
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We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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