I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
